Chapter 5: The words of Buddha

Welcome and thank you for being here.  Each post on this blog may stand alone as a contemplation. Yet, if you have not already done so, I suggest beginning with Chapter 1 and reading onwards to the most recent post. In this way the context of the journey will be more complete.

Omar is here and he is not. It feels like the magic is gone from the very molecules on the land here and in our life, and yet, the butterflies still dance and the willow tree still smiles. WIth deep sincerity. I ask, where is the magic and who is the polestar now, since Omar is not here physically?

On a silent retreat, this past New Year’s Day, I sat in silence with our teacher, Rimpoche Anam Thubten. A few days prior to the retreat, a pivotal event had occurred, priming me for deeper receptivity of the energies available for awakening. The unique relationship I had with our youngest horse, Taz,  my “baby”, had abruptly shifted. Over the course of our relationship, I had fallen into a pattern of merging with her. It felt very familiar, for it was how my “Mama” had merged with me throughout my life. Taz was an extension of me and I of her. It is true Taz and I are sacred mirrors of one another. There are specific aspects of Taz’s and my evolution which are transforming in similar ways, but merging in such a limited way, filled with projections and anthropomorphic interpretations is not helpful or true (though it felt very comforting to the empty part of myself.)

Taz, bless her heart, changed all that in one night while I was feeding her hay, causing me to revisit the way  I love.  Last in the “pecking order”and caught in the high energy of the darkness and wind, Taz decided she had waited long enough for her hay, everyone else had theirs, and she would intimidate me into allowing her to claim hers before the hay net was in place. She began to have a little tantrum and kicked out at me, two or three times successively. I felt the air currents between her hoof and my body. After herding her around the corral, she eventually communicated with me more appropriately and then enjoyed her hay. But, something had been severed and it was not just our relationship, it was the whole way I was set up with the world!  Contemplating this experience, I saw many things about the way I had arranged the flow of my love to her, with manipulative strings attached, so that this love would ensure my safety.  In an instant, those strings were scythed. I began to see another layer of a path I had oft examined, of a way to love that was not based on controlling the world, or other beings, in exchange for this love.  I saw that I had  woven a false reality out of this false type of love, one in which my love was assurance that I would always be safe and loved. In a flash, I watched this crumble.

As I sat in meditation on retreat with Anam, my whole being was primed to transform: Buddha said, “Be a lamp unto yourself.”   Anam recounted that, when he first heard those words spoken as a young boy, he felt it was not the most comforting or kindest of messages.  But, over time, he was able to see that it was a highly compassionate pointer to the end of suffering.

If any being in my daily life taught me how this could be done and what it feels like to be complete in oneself and nourished by one’s inner beingness, It was Omar. He was so complete, contained and always radiating steadfast beingness. I somehow feel he would not have left his body unless he had inside knowledge that I was ready to embody Reality. But for so much of this life I have been set up to circulate love, watch it blossom, and to then nourish myself with the “fruits.”  This meant that if the fruits did not come or if I missed harvesting them, I felt an unquenchable hunger. This is making love into a marketplace. It now seemed clear that not only was this type of love not pure love, it was also fuel for great disappointment, disillusionment and despair.

I decided then and there that “Be a lamp unto yourself” was the path for the New Year ahead. I did not know at the time that Omar would help me fully embody this with his disembodiment.

Every time I looked at Omar, and every time he looked into my eyes, with pools of light and love, my lamp was lit. Again and again. He was the wise oak tree that had been the witness to life’s vicissitudes and who knew the secret to life itself. I felt that just be being near him, he could pass on this secret of absolute contentmentomarsaboakcropsmaller. Omar was a lamp unto himself and he spent countless moments entraining me  and teaching me where that lamp is, and he is still showing me. Sometimes I feel so very blind to his wayshowing. Sometimes I have the eyes to see the eternal flame that Omar points me towards, the lamp unto myself.

There is a lamp within us and the flame actually never dies. Being nourished by that lamp is the art of remembering who we are. It is the art of unconditional love. I have not mastered this art by far, but the canvas is empty and the brush is in my open hand.

 

 

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About Sabina

5 years now into a new mid- life experience of merging human consciousness with that of the Beloved Horse... rearranged our life to live with 4 TWH...and am in awe!
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10 Responses to Chapter 5: The words of Buddha

  1. …Sabina,,, I have sooo many thanks for your sharing.
    I’ve had a recent grand opening of heart, a shattering, and some rebuild… all in 5 days. Many of the thoughts and musings you share speak to me, fill me with what I need to hear. <;-/

    …I wish you all the best as you move through your eventful year.

    …as for me,,, nothing like having heart and illusions shattered on the rock of Haqq,,, feels like very nice timing for 'camp' coming up this week.

    Blessed BEE!! Junayd

    • Sabina says:

      Oh Junayd, I feel deep rich fulfillment in knowing this. We are shattering together on the rock of Truth. But, my, 5 days! That is fast paced alchemy! May the Season of the Rose Camp be a haven of Grace for you and for the sacred process. And my deepest love and thanks to you for being here and sharing your heart and reading the words from mine….there’s only one heart you know!

      love Hu,
      Sabina

      • ..ahh yes, the ways of love, heart and illusion
        ….a rose garden,, a shared attraction embodied…precipitated a realization of attraction to another. A birthday party, and crushing appearance of this other person,instant affection shared,, a surprise to us both.

        ….the rush and crush of emotion makes me feel very ‘alive’,, and an accord brings me back to peace,,, and very ready for ‘season of the rose’ at the …’city of roses’,, Portland.

        Murshid once had someone ask to become a mureed (student)…” have you had your heart broken yet? I cannot help you before you go through this”.
        I feel very awaken,, alive,, opened…. ready to share my rendered heart on a silver tray <;-}

        huuuuu

      • Sabina says:

        yes, the true broken heart, it must be so.
        Thank you for sharing these words by our wise Murshid.
        Thank you for sharing your heart on a silver tray of light reflecting it back to yourself!
        love huuuu,
        Sabina

  2. ….is there a delay on responses…. or did mine get losted? <;-o

    • Sabina says:

      when you respond, I have to approve it before it gets posted, so there may be a delay…just protecting the baby in the bathwater by moderating things for my first blog…

  3. mannanaidu says:

    Dear Sabina, bless you for taking the time to write about your experience with such beauty. Reading it I feel like I’m taking a dive into my own consciousness. I feel a deep knowingness of the duality you describe, and the moments of easy grace which occur when we drift into reality every now and again. Bowing to Omar and to you, Alani and the herd. Xoxo

    • Sabina says:

      yes, we are diving into our very own consciousness together- I am so happy, deeply grateful you feel this. The states of the currents of grace and then falling back into the duality again and again…until we fully WAKEUP. May it be so for all beings – this waking up, this Grace of our true nature.

      thank you for being here, Manna, thank you, thank you…bowing…
      Sabina

  4. jennoikle says:

    I had a soul cat, J’oui, who did for me what Omar did for you. When he died I felt the loss of that Light & unconditional Love so sharply. But he had only come for a short time to remind me where to find that Love from the inside. Of course, tapping into that feeling from the Self is a lifetime lesson! Love love love!

    • Sabina says:

      You said it so precisely, Jenn…tears…from the words and energy of recognition you share here. Thank you. And yes…a lifetime learning…lesson…bless those Beings who come to remind us by piercing our souls.
      so hard, so true…bless j’oiu…Omar and the innumerable Great Beings…bowing hand over heart.

      much much love to you,
      Sabina

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